


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 479

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [24]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 12:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6520717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan is enslaved, Mace finds out what really happened to Anakin, and the new villain in town shows what a jerk he really is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 479

TATOOINE- Day 479:

I woke up on the cold wet rock floor of the cave. I didn't see Vinto Tox, so I thought I could make a break for it, but I couldn't even sit up. I hadn't felt this exhausted since Mustafar, and believe it or not I felt weaker right now. 

It was Mace's turn to float about in the gravity force field, having his Force energy sucked dry. 

"Mace?" I whispered loudly. "Mace?!"

He rotated around and when he was finally facing me, responded, "What?"

"We need to try and get out of here before Tox comes back!"

Mace smiled weakly and said, "Kenobi you ignorant sucka, he's going to let us go."

"What are you talking about?"

Just then, Vinto Tox crept out of the ocean of stalagmites. He was holding a glass container and knelt in front of me. "Resting comfortably, I presume?"

"Suck my lightsaber." I was hoping my words would hurt him more than I was physically capable of.

"Such rudeness," he smirked. "And in my own home."

"Well, you can keep your lizard ass in this cave, but I for one am getting out of here."

"But of course, Master Kenobi." Vinto Tox glanced over at Mace. "As soon as Master Windu is done with his dialysis you are both free to leave."

Not trusting my new arch nemesis, I asked, "So, what have you done to me?"

He chuckled slightly and said, "I thought you'd never ask." He held up the glass container in front of me. It was filled with an orange powder. "This, my friend, is your purity of essence."

"My what?!" This guy was a whole new level of crazy. 

"In simple terms, Master Kenobi, it is your Force energy. And yours just happens to be orange." He opened the container’s lid. "Master Windu's Force energy is purple, which I think is nice because it matches his whole color motif."

Tox reached into the container with his long green fingers, and scooped up some of the orange powder with his suction cup-like finger tips. He then proceeded to sprinkled the powder into the opening of his antenna. 

"Wow," I felt my mouth fall open. "You really are fucked up."

"Ah, ah, ah," he said, shaking his suction cupped index finger at me. "Mind your manners."

Vinto Tox raised his other hand and began Force choking me. I grabbed at my neck in a futile attempt to free myself. 

I could hear Mace's voice, as he turned slowly in the background. "Stop trying to piss the brother off."

Tox released me, and as I attempted to regain my breath he informed me, "You will learn your place, Jedi."

"Who are you?" My voice creaked out. 

"I am Vinto Tox, and I am not to be trifled with."

"No," I said defiantly. "You were not born 'The Jedi Vampire'. I want to know who you really are."

"You are correct, Master Kenobi, 'Vinto Tox' was not my given name. Just like Anakin Skywalker wasn't born Darth Vader, but nevertheless that is who we are now."

I was in complete shock. "How do you know about Vader's identity?"

Tox chuckled, "Everyone on Coruscant knew, silly. Well everyone, except apparently your little friend over there."

I turned to look at Mace. His one eye tore right through me. There was such hatred in his stare, I believe if he had any Force energy left he would have killed me instantly. When Mace had shown up at my hut acting completely insane I had told him that I destroyed Anakin. I now had a feeling I was going to pay for that half truth. 

"I guess," Tox continued, "it was the rest of the yahoos in the Galaxy that still have no clue where Vader came from."

"So, you said you were going to let us go?"

"Yes, Master Kenobi." His politeness was really starting to grate on my nerves. "When I found Master Windu on Coruscant..."

"Wait! I thought Jar Jar Binks found Mace?"

"No," Tox began, "that's what I told Mace to tell you. We recruited Mr. Binks later after he had been kicked out of the Senate for being a Jedi sympathizer. As I was saying, after I nursed Master Windu back to health, he was rather reluctant to join my program. So I kept him trapped for weeks at a time, constantly draining him of his Force energy. The next phase was to allow him some freedom, and every time he escaped I dragged him back to my laboratory and drained him even further. I finally got him conditioned to report to me every twenty-four hours. Which works out rather nicely."

I looked at Mace, who still displayed hatred for me, and I felt sorry for him. "Why every twenty-four hours?"

"Smart question, Master Kenobi." His evil green lips smiled as much as they were capable of. "The Force energy I drain from you is not gone forever. As soon as I release you your body begins to replenish it. Through trial and error, I discovered that allowing your body to rejuvenate for twenty-four hours gives it enough time to make your Force energy worth harvesting, but keeps you weak enough in order for you to not pose a threat. It's pure genius, if I must say so myself."

"You're insane, Tox," I barked at him. "I will never bow to your whim."

"That's what they all say, Jedi." He placed his hand on my knee as if he was trying to comfort me in his own twisted way. "In all honesty, Obi-Wan, this breaks my heart to inform you, but you will call me Master."

"When I gather my strength, Vinto Tox, or whatever your real name is, I'm going to shove your green head up your green ass!"

Tox let out a genuine laugh. "You are more than welcome to try, Master Kenobi. But know this, Mace is not the first Jedi I've enslaved. I've been stockpiling the Force essence for years. So if you think you can hide and wait me out, you can't. Although my powers slowly fade, I have enough of that lovely powder to last me for years to come. And I discovered that taking a pinch of a few different Jedi at once increases my power in the most spectacular way."

With that, Vinto Tox stood up and made his way to the three lightsabers which hung from the wall. He picked up Mace's and clipped it to his belt. 

"Master Kenobi," he said as he made his way towards the cave's exit, "feel free to release your friend, gather your sabers and take your leave of this place. I will see you both here this time tomorrow." He turned and headed out. 

I called after him. "Wait, Tox! Are you the one that has been slaughtering the Tuskens?"

He stopped and slowly turned around. "If you are referring to the savages known as Sandpeople, then yes I have. I did not have the benefit of being born a Jedi, so I take target practice where ever I can."

Vinto Tox then turned and left. 

I managed to get Mace down from the force field. He appeared to be completely drained of energy. Both of us grabbed a lightsaber and I supported Mace the best I could as we made our way out of the cave. 

Reaching the outside, the binary suns seemed to breathe life back into Mace, as he was now able to walk on his own. He trailed slightly behind as we made our way up the dunes. 

Then I heard a lightsaber ignite, Anakin's lightsaber to be precise. I spun around to find Mace lunging at me. 

"You told me you destroyed him, mother fucka!"


End file.
